I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
