dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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