I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
