How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
