Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
