uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
