My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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