I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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