i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
