I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Is it because I queefed?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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