The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
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