Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
