Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
