Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
