His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
