I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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