My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
