just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
