I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
