I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
