I just pynch a tree in the face
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
