I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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