Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
