Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
OPIZZABONMYDICK
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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