After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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