I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
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