wakey wakey hands off snakey
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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