I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
