I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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