i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
