I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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