Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
