Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
