So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
