this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
