his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
