I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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