I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
