The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
