Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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