On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
