Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
