people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
