I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
