I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
