glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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