the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
