we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Randomize
