she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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