how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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